Where to now?

So, I just turned 30 this past week. It doesn't change anything in my perception of life but I was reading a few of my friends blogs this evening and started thinking about where I am headed. I am a retail manager for a company that drives me nuts. The only thing that has kept me where I am for this long has been the great people I have around me. I love the people who work for me. What I don't love is that I am their boss. It puts a wall up that I despise. The people I work with are some of the best people I know and although I try and tell them just that, there is always this separation between myself and them. I am not sure if it is something I project, just basic differences between myself and them or just a fact of being their boss. Who knows.

Anyway, I just thought it would be interesting to start putting a few thoughts down some place. Maybe the writing of multiple papers for school the past few semesters has touched on a nerve. It should be interesting to see what happens when I am writing because I want to. I will apologize ahead of time for the stream of consciousness writing that I am prone to do.

So back to direction....I have none. I don't know what I want to do when I grow up. LOL I am a manager for a Gamestop after all. I am a big kid who has to act like an adult. I am such a goofball and I can't show it half the time. Ok, off on another tangent. I told you this was gonna go all over the place. You were warned. What would the world be like if we all showed our true colors all the time? We never do. We go around always showing bits of who we are and hiding the rest. We may find good friends that we can entrust with more of our true selves but how often do we show all of who we are to anyone? We all long to find that person we can do just that with but live our lives in fear of how that person will react once we do. I am so much more secure than I once was and yet at time it still frightens me. Maybe that is why I am doing this now. To open up in a world that constantly forces us to close down. Take my job for instance. I constantly have to keep myself in check. My language has to be appropriate for the person I am talking to. I have to make sure that I don't overstep my bounds with my staff or customers. I have to double check everything I say to my boss to make sure I don't leave a bad impression. It can be a frustrating task at times to constantly monitor how you react and portray yourself to those around you.

My wife is one of the few people I can truly be myself around. It was the most wonderful time of my life opening up to her and with every little thing I revealed finding out that she accepted it and in most cases echoed it. I never thought that I would find someone like that in all my life. That being said there are still times I don't say something or share a thought, but in the long run I know I can share anything with her and all will work out fine. There is no thought so refreshing as finding someone who knows you and you can truly be yourself around.

That being said I also find differing views and understandings to be just as interesting. I love learning how others perceive the world. Seeing differing views on topics is so enthralling. That is most likely why I have enjoyed going back to school so greatly. I also think it is why I have always enjoyed games and movies. They are mediums in which a person can create a world for everyone to experience. It is such a rush exploring those worlds. Games and movies are controlled environments though. People are even more interesting for the fact that they are constantly changing and dynamic. The one thing that retail has given me is a much larger view of people and their personalities. Some I have enjoyed glimpsing into and others have just scared the ever loving hell out of me. Either way it has been an interesting ride.

Well I think that is it for now. Time to turn in for the evening. I have another fun day of holiday shoppers to deal with. Maybe next time I will finally get into where I am going.